N.I.S.H.I.K.O.N.N.A

i have been told my blog shows an obsession towards a certain person i am supposed to feel nothing towards.

my heart is weak.

my mind is weaker.

is it my fault?

its going to take a long time for my heart to heal. while im not heartbroken – im very hurt. i feel very used. she asks me r u sure u dint sleep with him?

i didnt sleep with him. but my mind is so weak i dont need to fuck him to feel this way.

khub kharap laage.

ummmm in a few words if i had to describe my life before monday i would say – pathetic.

somehow it is changing tho.

i saw gretchen on monday. we talked abt some of my issues and she gave me things to work on.

one of them is taking out time to be inspired and more importantly giving my need for mindfucking more importance.

but she does think i shouldnt b with a guy soon. as in not emotionally/romantically like that.

but yday i did wanna c isaiah. i think he is in town and lied to me abt it.

starting frm ATL this is all i heard frm him -

- not really. trying to get things back how they were.

- we hang when we hang.

- any misunderstandings can be fixed.

- lol. the confused indian version. i love it. lol.

- its my new background.

-tell jada she gone hv to wait. i dont like her attitude. not around BABS.

- in charleston. see you soon.

- tell you what?

- later this week.

- lol. i wouldnt NOT tell u that.

well the good thing is that i hv learnt frm isaiah that some ppl like playing teenage games even when their wayy past their teens. i can feel how much he doesnt care and how much he doesnt want to get in touch with me but he cant say it to my face. whats the point of such a facade? its disappointing.

i thought he was becoming my friend. guess not anymore.

anywho ghum ashche. ami jai.

finally all this drama with isaiah is over. at least on my side.

i have been thinking allot about my hysterical behavior yesterday and I now know wtf was going on with me.

in my boring life came an interesting man who showed interest in me.

maybe it was just a show but at the time the interest seemed genuine.

i took it on like a science project. i wanted to study it, observe it and experiment with it. most of all – spend a lot of time with it.

i would think thats normal right? keeping in mind here – i was totally fucked up for the most part.

no i did not fall in love/like him like that. there was slight attraction. what thr was was MAD interest. i wanted to talk to him, get to know him better and go with the flow.

he left for his hometown. i left for NYC.

In NYC sniggles n i had sooo much fun i cant even describe. probably the best thing that has happened in a loooooong time in my life. BUT what kept me sane abt coming back to rock hill was the fact that i do hv a life here – work, paint, jada, shun and the newest edition and the most exciting thought at the time, isaiah.

but i came back. i told him. didnt hear frm him in 2 days. he claimed not knowing i was back in town.

friday night, he came over – fotkami. what i didnt realize at the time was that I took the initiative to tell him that i wanted to c him and fact it that he never does call/text me on his own.

saturday – brotherz.

sunday – isaiah’s birthday is the next day. i c him for a brief moment and dont hear from him again.

monday – im kinda fed of having to chase the guy. he doesnt contact me at all. im starting to feel real lonely so i leave for my brotherz.

tuesday – he comes over for a little bit after i tell him he’s full of attitude. small chumma in the end.

wednesday – nothing.

thursday – i go hysterical.

So truth is that I have been chasing the guy and he was least bit interested. I worked myself up to expect all kinds of things to happen and NONE of it happened. It was frustrating me that i was the one calling and msging him all the time. I was getting mixed messages. So – what the hell is going on between us? nothing? fine we r friends who kick it – but is it wrong of me to expect more?

i keep wondering what i did wrong and where i went wrong. Should i hv just let it alone? not called/not texted? then i wouldnt see him at all.

i just wanted to spend some time with him. was that too much to ask for? was that so wrong?

yesterday i literally got a slap on my face – he said I DONT OWE YOU THAT FONE CALL/MSG. its tru. why would you?

you came to c me when you had nothing better to do. you talked to me like you would talk to anybody else. you kissed me like u would any tramp down the street. i understand.

but i still wanted to see you.

I guess it all comes down to two people wanting two different things. I think we started on the same page – or maybe not. i dont kno.

he had said he wanted everything i had to offer. in the end he wanted nothing at all. did i misunderstand him?

it upsets me that someone could just play me like that. it upsets me more that i let him play me like that.

i miscalculated things – he is very different from what i had thought he was.

im not willing to admit i did anything wrong. if showing interest was wrong, maybe i should have stuck to playing 13 yr old games of hard to get.

that I DONT OWE YOU THAT was enough for me to move on. he is outta my fone and my life. im not going to contact him again.

if he wants to ever – then i might answer. if he doesnt and i dont expect him to – then good for me.

i AM better off without you.